Wednesday, January 18, 2006


Making the Case for Female Bisexuality and Polyamory, Particularly in a Communal Setting

BiSexual and Polyamorous is how women would develop naturally without societal constraint. BiPoly is how women will be in a peaceful, free society that does not presume to tell women how to express our natural sexuality, the sexuality we are born with and that which we express when we are little girls and fall in love with both males and females who become our lifelong imagos.

The case for Bisexuality and Polyamory as the norm of females can be summed up in this magnificently accurate and beautiful description by Lord Byron: "Man's love is of man's life a thing apart; 'tis woman's whole existence."

Though the majority of women are sexually attracted to men and find them exciting, few are profoundly satisfied by men emotionally after the first months of courtship during which men behave as though they are capable of the type of self-disclosure and communication that women find so natural. In fact, the vast majority men cannot sustain this state of intense emotion and openness for very long.

Just as a woman is becoming emotionally attached to a man she thinks understands her uniquely, he becomes overwhelmed and frightened by the depth of emotion and pulls away to regain his composure.

The sexual response in women is connected to our emotional response. We cannot respond to a man sexually who has hurt us by disappointing us, even if we love him. If we love him and we are hurt we may submit to his overtures to have sex, but we do not really wish to be physically intimate with him and we come away feeling that we have been violated and that we betrayed ourselves by giving in. We feel out of control of our bodies and helpless. Women are all too often being put in the position of paying for keeping their men in their lives by "putting out" when they do not really wish to.

Men simply cannot love as women do. Men's brains are not "wired" to allow them to communicate and emote, or even to think and emote, as women's brains are. Men's lack of communication skills, relative to that of women, leaves us feeling abandoned and unloved.

With each new romance, we women think that we have finally found the one special man who can understand, only to be disappointed again. Eventually, these repeated disappointments lead to cynicism and wholly dysfunctional relationships.

Men find their most sustained support for their identity in that which they do, that which they accomplish. Women's primary satisfaction comes from their interpersonal relationships. A man shows a woman he loves her by bringing home the bacon. A woman demonstrates her love in shows of affection and in wanting to share her thoughts and feelings. Men are put off by the amounts of shows of affection that a woman finds reassuring. A man in a relationship is also generally bored and annoyed by a run-on litany fleeting of thoughts and emotions that the woman experienced during the day. Women are hurt when what they have to share is not appreciated. After all, sharing in this way is the way in which women friends show one another they care.

Though women are attracted to men in any number of ways and on any number of levels, when they really need to be understood they generally turn to other women.

Much of the talk that transpires between and among women centers on their common confusion and frustration with men. They try to analyze their men's behavior together and don't usually do a very good job. A good deal of women's conversations consists of wheel-spinning second guessing about men.

All too often men do not satisfy us sexually either. There is a basic biological parity between men and women. Unless this parity is painstakingly overcome our sexual encounters with men leave us emotionally as well as physically, even if we achieve orgasm.

A good deal of unhappiness among women would be obviated if we women found the love our very existence is dependent upon in one another.

We women can satisfy one another emotionally as men cannot satisfy us. The love and mutual understanding that exist between and among women in love far exceed that between men and women in love.

If women are to be happy and profoundly fulfilled we will have to recognize that we need to be more than just friends. To be complete, we need to be one another's lovers.

Much of the jealousy and competitiveness that exist between and among women is really desire. We have been taught not to desire one another, and society has taught us that it is forbidden to express that desire, so we experience those feelings negatively.

When women make themselves beautiful, do they not take other women's opinions of their looks into consideration no less than the opinions of men?

If we woman found the satisfaction of our profound need for love in one another's arms, we would be less dissatisfied with our men. We would not, in our emotional starvation, try to get more out of our men emotionally than they are capable of giving us. We would enjoy the sexual pleasure that they can give us, have and raise our babies with them, enjoy the special contribution they give as friends, share our opinions with them on important matters in order to get both the female and male perspective on things and work along side them as partners and comrades in our workplaces. We would be free to love them and receive as much love as they can give, but would not need them either financially or emotionally.

If the pressure to satisfy our every emotional and physical need was taken off men they would feel freer to give what they honestly can. They would not feel the need to protect themselves emotionally from us. We would not overwhelm them. We would not seem as needy, weak and dependent to them. We would not talk to them more than they can tolerate. They would come to respect us in a way that society does not presently provide the conditions for.

It is for the above reasons that I believe that Bisexuality and Polyamory are the norm and is the best possible state for women.

Note: I speak for women, not for men. It is not my place to decide if Bisexuality is the norm for men. I am not a man and do not presume to decide what is best for men. Men will have to grapple with their real needs and their cultural heritages and decide what is best for them. Men have done a lousy job of describing the sexuality that is appropriate for women. There is every reason to believe that women would do an equally lousy job if we were to presume to describe men's sexuality for them.

It is clear that Polyamory is the normal state for most men. That is the universal norm and need not be proven. Polyamory amongst men can be analyzed, but need not be proven. Only a small minority of men absolutely freely choose to be monogamous with one woman all their lives.

The following account is from a heterosexual, Polyamorous man who was involved in a Polyamorous quad relationship for some time. He was also a member of a Kibbutz for a period. He relates the following account of his experience, which I have edited with a very light hand to protect identities. The passage is reproduced here with his written permission:

"Regarding my former relationship with a poly group, my girlfriend and I were living with her ex-boyfriend and his new love. The other couple was both bisexual. My girlfriend and I were both straight, but, living together, we shared everything. That's where I discovered how special it is to bond with this other man, who I was not having sex with, but sharing the lovemaking with what was his partner, as well as my partner. Later, we had others come by who were interested in playing with one or another of us, and, chemistry being what it is, sometimes you just feel like being on the sidelines, cheering your team on, LOL. Seriously, in a community of more than a few people, I feel there are going to be people that, for one reason or another, don't have sex. However, there should be a strong bond on an emotional level. My feelings about children are that a kibbutz is the absolute best way to raise a child, as children provide a special energy to the community, and, as children are taught, so they will teach (hopefully)."

I find the above passage remarkable. We see that the relationships that are forged among the males need not be sexual in order to be intimate. Rather than enmity and jealousy between or among men who are lovers of the same woman or women, that situation can bring about profound closeness and friendship, a feeling of sharing something precious.

We can extend this feeling of camaraderie to include our economic relationships. Our lovers and their lovers can also be those with whom we share cooperative ventures. When those who we love either as dear friends or lovers are those with whom we share the responsibility for our common livelihood, our bonds are reinforced.

If the men who are lovers of the same woman or women are close friends based, in part, on that commonality and they are also members of the same cooperative economic ventures, then our present problems of paternity, including inheritance laws, that are based on greed, ego, jealousy and possessiveness of women, children and property will become passé.

All of the men, as well as all of the women, in Polyamorous communes will think of all of the children in those communes as belonging to the entire community and children will be thought of as being yours, mine and ours. This is true despite the fact that it is highly unlikely that everyone in the commune will be lovers, as the author of the passage above states. Human nature being what it is, we do not all fall in love with everyone, are not sexually attracted to everyone and do not wish to be sexually intimate with everyone. Sex will always be very personal and quite exclusive. In the case of Polyamory, the exclusivity involves a few people based on mutual love and desire, rather than one mate.

Communes based on "group marriage" involving all the members are not likely to be stable. Past attempts at "group marriage" have failed.

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel
DoreenDotan@gmail.com

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